Connnecting University of Florida's Black Alumni
A Father Speaks - Part 1
I recently picked up this month's issue of Essence magazine and read an article featuring 5 Black men and their open discussion about relationships with Black women. Their conversation was candid, honest and to the point, addressing all the major issues singles face today in their effort to find that special someone. Having lived the life of a single Black man, I totally understand where they were coming from. But after 19 years of marriage to my special lady, and five beautiful daughters, ages 7 to 17 (and one son who's 5), I'm crying, "FOUL!!"
Now I know I have my fair share of "wrong" that I dished out prior to meeting my wife and getting married. But as with most men of my generation, my father's discussion with me about women was short - "Protect yourself." The rest was learned through trial and a whole lot of error. Error is what I want to guide my son away from as he becomes a man. I'm letting him know through my words and through the way I LOVE his mother, that I have a higher standard for him. I expect him to treat his mother and his sisters with respect and I leave him (even at 5) with the responsibility of protecting them in my absence.
As for MY daughters (my wife, my sisters, my mother, my nieces, MY SISTAS), I have spent the last 19 years righting my wrongs and being the MAN that they will use one day as their minimal standard for what they want in a husband one day. Their father's love fills any voids that might be filled by someone with smooth words, a nice car, stylish attire and a crib. They know that just because a man (or boy) has expectations of them, that they have no obligation to lower their own standards to meet his. They have been schooled on how to dismiss the man whose list of accomplishments can only be measured in inches. The Essence "men" state that if the sex ain't good then the relationship will not go to the next level. And that you can't be in your 30s talkin' about you don't do oral sex. "If they don't, someone else will." IS THAT RIGHT???? I know thiings have changed since finishing at UF in '89, and at 44 years of age I might be behind the times. But I wish a *(^%(&^% would approach any of my "ladies" talking that &^$&!. Sorry fellas, but once you raise a child, change her diapers, bathe her, rock her to sleep when she's sick, stand by her bedside after surgery, pray her back to sleep after a nightmare, hold her on your stomach as infant while she sleeps during a football game on a Sunday afternoon... (got the picture?) You get to KNOW her for who she IS, her very soul/spirit. And anything or anyone wishing to use her for his own personal satisfaction with no regard for future negative consequences on her ability to one day relate to a man that has her best in mind -- well that thing or that someone is an enemy to me and my crew.
If these Essence men represent the thinking of Black men today, then I've lost all hope in my daughters marrying a man that looks like me. But because my son exist, and I know other fathers who are raising their boys with the same goal in mind, I still have hope. For those who would say that I'm a PLAYER HATER, I say, "Guilty as charged." The meaning I have found in being a REAL MAN in a world of selfish, self-centered BOYS in MEN costumes has been my greatest reward. If my words offend anyone, if this site allows, there will be more to come. So exercise your right not to read it. For those men, husbands and fathers who are like minded, shine your light brightly... Ladies, hold on to your love...
Now I know I have my fair share of "wrong" that I dished out prior to meeting my wife and getting married. But as with most men of my generation, my father's discussion with me about women was short - "Protect yourself." The rest was learned through trial and a whole lot of error. Error is what I want to guide my son away from as he becomes a man. I'm letting him know through my words and through the way I LOVE his mother, that I have a higher standard for him. I expect him to treat his mother and his sisters with respect and I leave him (even at 5) with the responsibility of protecting them in my absence.
As for MY daughters (my wife, my sisters, my mother, my nieces, MY SISTAS), I have spent the last 19 years righting my wrongs and being the MAN that they will use one day as their minimal standard for what they want in a husband one day. Their father's love fills any voids that might be filled by someone with smooth words, a nice car, stylish attire and a crib. They know that just because a man (or boy) has expectations of them, that they have no obligation to lower their own standards to meet his. They have been schooled on how to dismiss the man whose list of accomplishments can only be measured in inches. The Essence "men" state that if the sex ain't good then the relationship will not go to the next level. And that you can't be in your 30s talkin' about you don't do oral sex. "If they don't, someone else will." IS THAT RIGHT???? I know thiings have changed since finishing at UF in '89, and at 44 years of age I might be behind the times. But I wish a *(^%(&^% would approach any of my "ladies" talking that &^$&!. Sorry fellas, but once you raise a child, change her diapers, bathe her, rock her to sleep when she's sick, stand by her bedside after surgery, pray her back to sleep after a nightmare, hold her on your stomach as infant while she sleeps during a football game on a Sunday afternoon... (got the picture?) You get to KNOW her for who she IS, her very soul/spirit. And anything or anyone wishing to use her for his own personal satisfaction with no regard for future negative consequences on her ability to one day relate to a man that has her best in mind -- well that thing or that someone is an enemy to me and my crew.
If these Essence men represent the thinking of Black men today, then I've lost all hope in my daughters marrying a man that looks like me. But because my son exist, and I know other fathers who are raising their boys with the same goal in mind, I still have hope. For those who would say that I'm a PLAYER HATER, I say, "Guilty as charged." The meaning I have found in being a REAL MAN in a world of selfish, self-centered BOYS in MEN costumes has been my greatest reward. If my words offend anyone, if this site allows, there will be more to come. So exercise your right not to read it. For those men, husbands and fathers who are like minded, shine your light brightly... Ladies, hold on to your love...
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